Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Speaking of panties...

I am nothing if not a practical kind of girl.

That is why when The Butcher and I were getting married 15 years ago, all those fancy see-through babydoll top and panty sets went straight into my underwear drawer (folded neatly into one corner - ok, the back corner) only to be seen on birthdays (his) and sometimes an anniversary... or maybe when I'd had a bit too much wine.  I had a friend in college who was working her way up the Victoria Secret retail ladder and I'm pretty sure she gave all my other friends deep discounts the week or so before the shower they threw me.  So I ended up with quite a few of these types of things... all folded neatly and placed in the back corner of the drawer, as I said.

As the years passed, my mother got into the habit of purchasing underwear for me wherever she went.  I'm not sure why exactly.  But trust me when I say, I ain't hurting for underwear.  But they have all been very practical, no-panty-line, full-coverage type things (as you would expect a mother to supply).  And these take prominence at the front of the underwear drawer.

And so, with each move (this being our 8th), the drawer has been pulled out while the dresser was placed in some moving truck and promptly put back in.  For 15 years I have had no need to go through this drawer... or at least the things folded neatly in the back corner of this drawer.

Until our last move...

In trying to figure out how to get everything into Ella's room (bed, desk, dresser, side table, and on and on), we decided her long but short dresser was not going to fit.  It would, however, fit perfectly in our room where my narrow but tall dresser would have trouble backing up to the pitched-ceiling walls.  So we swapped. (A bonus of not having matchy-matchy Pottery Barn type things - finally, a small bank account pays off.)

This was a great idea and I set Ella the task of emptying my drawers into a basket and taking the contents up to my room to put (dump) neatly on the floor (middle of the floor).  She is the kind of kid that needs a task or she feels left out.  This was working wonderfully until I noticed she was nearing the top (underwear) drawer and so I took over and carried the contents of that drawer upstairs and placed everything (discreetly) in a corner.  (I'm beginning to think I have a thing with corners.)

The next day, I set to putting all of my things into what was Ella's dresser.  Trust me when I say it is hard to change things like "where my socks go" after 15 years of them always being in one place.  Anyway, in putting all these things away, I was confronted with the "back corner of the underwear drawer" items.  I have three children... I work two jobs from home... I like to fall asleep by 9:15... don't judge me...but these things had not been gone through in a long time.

And that is when I found the blue and white polka-dot panties.  I pulled them out and held them up and realized that perhaps elastic is not meant to keep its stretch for 15 years, or just maybe I lost 300 lbs since I was married??

Truly, all three of my kids can fit into these...and the (evil) cat.  They are wider than my toaster oven and my computer (yes, I have been carrying them around comparing their size to household items).

Are you ready for a size reference?  Those who are easily offended may want to skip this part.

They are longer than my (evil) cat.  (And yes, I did for a bit contemplate if I could get them on him to prove my point...I need to get out more.  Good thing no kids are home.)

I am not intrigued with how big they are.  I know there are big panties out there... or at least I hope there are for bigger people.  It's that they were once smaller.  And how many years have I been carting around these panties that truly will no longer stay on my hips?  I like getting value out of things, but my God, do I need to hang on to things for so long that they morph and (quite possibly) disintegrate?

But, I am a practical girl... 

...and while these won't fit me anymore, I do see a potential Halloween costume for The Butcher...

(An apology to my Instagram followers... yes, I did Instagram a few pictures of these panties... solely for artistic purpose.  Hope you aren't/weren't offended.  And you blog readers should be happy I chose to stick with just this one picture.  The one of the panties on the toaster is truly disturbing.)

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha :)
    Maybe I could borrow them, being pregnant I seem to only be finding the panties I wore 5 years ago and they barely make it past my thighs.....ugh